The last 6 or so months have proved extremely trying for us! Illness, fights and distancing have all played a huge part. All the information isn't necessary. What is necessary, is that we realized why. It was a lack of DD in our lives. We've surpassed a year in this lifestyle and have had a few starts and stops but we always came back to realizing that the stops were what caused all the strife. So, we got started back up, and much to my dismay. All the complicated emotions that us ladies feel when it comes to ttwd came spiraling forward at a non-stop speed! Of course, I dialed up my good friend Kay. This is her blog...www.tryingtolearnlearningtotry.blogspot.com. I griped and complained and whined to her. She listened and then gave sound advice. She's good at that! In fact, she's so good at this ttwd that the HOH has demanded she be kept on my speed dial. I emergency, psycho texted her on Friday telling her about an argument that had spiraled out of control. I had become the crazy, hormonal wife that was breaking all those stupid D's and whatever! I performed all the whatevers, anyways, eye rolls and even hung the phone up on him...and I didn't care! I know, I'm brilliant right?! I was mad! The whole argument was unfair! However, Kay texted me advice which I completely ignored. Well, maybe not entirely, because by the time the HOH arrived home mad! I was all sorts of repentant and actually handed him the paddle. Believe it or not, we actually talked something out for the first time in months. I apologized and so did he. He then put me otk and handed down the worst paddling I've ever had. He didn't stop and I didn't stop him. He was wrong, but I was more wrong and I deserved every swat he handed down. It hurt so bad but I actually only put my hand back once (this is success for me) and yelled I was sorry multiple times. He didn't stop even though I cried and I thought he wanted to cry, for how vulnerable I had become during our talk and apologies, not due to the spanking. You see, the issues I was spanked for are things I continually have problems with and probably will have for a long time. It's from my childhood and something reactionary that comes naturally to me when I'm under stress or pressure. When the paddling was nearing an end, I was limp, he began lecturing between each swat. When he was done lecturing, he did something he called a "Rapid Fire" swat. He went hard and fast multiple times. I'm sure he got it from that Husbandly Touch blog he's been reading, www.husbandlytouch.blogspot.com. When he said, "That's it." I collapsed to the floor in tears, not just from pain but more from guilt. I had broken almost every rule and hurt his feelings. I was crushed with guilt about that. But, he picked me up and held me on his lap. No rubbing, he never rubs. He held me and said he loved me. It was such an intimate moment for us, especially looking back at the past 6-9 months! I love this man and the way he picks up ttwd and holds me accountable, and himself! I love the way he can pull us back together, even if it includes leaving me with a very hurting bottom. As I weave through my re-training from the last 6-9 months, I know he'll be there guiding me with a steady hand and a loving heart!
So, I'm sure some of you wondered where I disappeared to?! Well, In Spetember, I had a tonsillectomy that went really bad. In fact, I almost bled to death several times. To make a long story short, DD fell completely during this time as I was literally clinging to life! Now, that I have recovered from the bleeding, I have side effects. I am working on a daily speech impediment and swallowing trouble due to muscle and my uvula being accidentally cut during emergency surgery. Oh and painful blisters that occur during every meal. However, all that being said, I'm alive and that's great! So, tonight we are having what the HoH is calling a "ceremony" to get back on track. I'm not sure what "ceremony" means, but it sounds rather painful. I'll let you guys know how it goes. On a side note, we enlightened some of our closest friends, a married couple, about the DD Lifestyle. They were super receptive and non-judgmental. They are even doing research to see if it is something they want to do! It was really exciting to get that out in the open and not feel judged! Happy to be back in blog land and looking forward to reconnecting, maybe on the network!
The ship has been sinking...and fast! The "ship" being all the progress our marriage has made since beginning DD! I got sick, really sick with Strep. In fact, I've had so many infections this year that they are pulling my tonsils on the 23rd. Well, being sick started the inconsistency and the inconsistency stayed after I started feeling better. So, 7 days passed with no punishments and for sure, when punishments were due! I've been disrespectful, defiant and broken just about every freaking rule! We were fighting again...yelling...hateful...just bad! He kept saying, "What has happened? What is wrong with you? What the he#% is going on?!"
I think it hit us both at the very same time. As much as I didn't want to admit it and sure as heck didn't want to say it, I needed to be spanked...I needed consistency...and NOW!
Well, spanked is exactly what I got. I lost count of how many but it wasn't too far in before I started bawling my eyes out. That's a first! It hurt...yes, but my heart hurt worse! I had felt lonely, like he didn't care about me anymore and...widowed! But, as soon as the spanking began, I felt myself slide right back where I was supposed to be and I felt like he cared again! Now, my backside is feeling it today but my hear fills full!
Lesson Learned: Do NOT backslide on DD! The results SUCK!
Hey everyone! I can't figure out why Blogger won't let me comment on your comments! I'm frustrated! I have tried to go to the "help" section but no answers! Anyone else have trouble with this in the beginning?
So, the week went by very fast! I worked outside on the farm ALOT! Shuffled the kids to and from school, meet the teacher, football practice, church and much more. This basically left me no time for the network...boo! :-( I missed all the ladies! However, I got so much done around the house and everywhere else that I manged to squeak my way past any punishments from the HoH! Yay for me! If you read my last blog, you know he started adding them up! He had not done anything with the "adding" so I figured maybe he forgot! Again, yay for me! So, yesterday rolled around, I love Fridays! I love weekends! I love knowing that the HoH will be home, Saturday football games, Church and just about everything else about weekends. Anyway, as bedtime approached last night, the HoH and I got into one of those discussions, the kind of discussion where I get to give my opinion BUT he gets to make the final call! I HATE these discussions. It is, without a doubt, my biggest weakness with submission! Long story short, I became disrespectful and almost mocked him through the discussion argument! He firmly said, "We'll talk about this later!" I did shut up but thought in the back of my mind, "Yah right!" Well, bedtime came along, I finished getting ready for bed and went to crawl into bed. I saw the bedroom door was locked, the HoH was smirking and when I pulled back the covers...there it was! That damn paddle! I buried my head in the pillow, he began lecturing. Now, pause for a brief moment to hear the thoughts while I buried and he lectured....This is only our second week with a DD lifestyle. How come he is so confident? Consistent? It's almost as if he is paying attention to every move I make! He behaves as though we have always done this and so much that he has become sneaky and a bit devious! WTH?! I brought this to him! You know what?! When he puts me over his knee, I'm gonna make a move. I'm gonna tie him up with the bedsheets and paddle to my heart's content! Then I'm gonna...and then...oh man, I hope he warms me up a bit. This is gonna hurt like hell! I've been terrible this week...And...
"Do you understand that? Do you realize how disrespectful you've been?"
"Uh huh..."I missed the lecture...not like I needed to hear it...
"Alright, let's do this..."
Now, the next 5 minutes consisted of swat after swat and then he was done.
Oh, well, that wasn't bad...
Now, ladies, before he even put the paddle down, I opened my mouth and I couldn't believe what came out. The unthinkable. The stupid. Wait for it...."I think you should spank me more. I'm really not sorry and already thinking about being disrespectful again."
WTH?! Shut up! Why did you say that?!
Over the knee...again. Now, ladies, the defiance kicked in big time. Swat after swat after swat, harder with each one. He talked to me, asked if I was sorry, asked if he needed to keep going and I couldn't wouldn't stop him. I even laughed a couple times. Now, these were NOT laughable swats!
What the hell was wrong with me?!
I was in pain but still not there yet. You, who have been doing this, you know what there looks, feels, smells, tastes and sounds like. I had lost count of the swats. Finally, the last two swats were laid down with a different strength, one he had not used before and it was more than enough to push me there and I was done.
"I can't believe you! Stubborn! Defiant! What is wrong with you?! I'm still wondering if we need to keep going..."
"I'm done!" I apologized for everything and even thanked him, strangely enough. We cuddled, laughed a bit about my defiance and faded off into the night. I couldn't help but wonder, have the other ladies been through this? Have they admitted to needing more? Is something wrong with me?!
in his HoH role! Not only is he getting comfortable, he's becoming conniving and devious, like I have heard about alot of other HoH's. It's almost as if he is pleasured by his new role! Hubby added a few rules that include breaking an addiction and a daily task. Well, I didn't complete either one on Monday, but I was honest with him as we rolled into bed. He acted as if he didn't care so I went on to sleep. Yesterday night rolled around and I had completed one, but failed in the other. I again was honest and told him. He smirked.
"Why are you smiling like that? Are you going to punish me?"
"What do you mean, not tonight?!"
"I'm adding them up..."
"Yup! Yesterday, today...."
"You can't do that! That's not fair."
"Yes, I can, I'm the HoH"
"What?! Spank me now! I'll take it now!"
The next ten minutes consisted of me begging, pleading with him not to add them up but to punish me now, spank me now. let's negotiate and more. I was basically begging to be spanked and now! WTH?!
He again said, "Nope."
He was pleased with himself making me wonder, think, cringe and so on....
Sunday was day 8 in our DD lifestyle. I had only had 2 spankings and had weasled my way out of a few when Sunday afternoon brought a twist. Just leaving Church, a small miscommunication/misinformation happened in which hubby bear decided to describe as me, having a rant. Now, I wasn't having a "rant" until I heard him describe it as a "rant." Then, I began to feel the heat rise in my core, ladies know what I'm talking about. I'm not sure anything can cool down that heat. It got worse. We began to discuss loudly, with kids in tow. First rule broken. Then I really did begin to rant! Second rule broken. I wouldn't let it go. Third rule broken. I was doomed, but pissed anyway. Then he said the inevitable, "I am not going to ENABLE you!" Oh, hell no with finger snaps and all! "ENABLE ME?!" What the hell is that supposed to mean?! The heat inside me became a fire! I mean, what is he enabling? Does he want me to rant? Oh, I can rant baby! Just you wait! Well, just as a true rant was about to unfold, he walked away. He went outside to work on the farm and I was left to stew. I hopped on the network. Now, my good friend Kay, she is so wise! She let me vent! She even vented with me a little bit! Then she basically said, "You guys need have to talk and if you broke the rules, you have to accept the punishment." Well, it was true, I had broken the rules. I calmed down and came to accept that I would be in trouble. Same scenario as always, kids to bed, lecture and spanking. This was the worst spanking yet, but afterwards, everything was better, no resentment, anger, bitterness and definitely no rants! ;-) Afterwards, the HoH informed me with a smirk on his face, "I was going to do maintenance tonight, but no need, because you broke the rules anyways!"